Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Satirical Look at Boston Red Sox Attempt to Acquire Max Ramirez To Use Up Old Manny Jerseys

In a move clearly designed to use up old inventory from the Red Sox souvenir shop, the Boston Red Sox have reportedly acquired minor league catcher Max Ramirez from the Texas Rangers in exchange for gold-glove third baseman Mike Lowell.

Said GM Theo Epstein, "When we were forced to trade Manny Ramirez two seasons ago it left us with a surplus of Ramirez jerseys at our souvenir store. As a small market team, we simply can't afford to be holding a surplus of inventory."

Since the departure of Manny, the Sox GM has traded for Ramon Ramirez last season, while snatching Ramon A. Ramirez off of waivers earlier this offseason. The reported acquisition of Max Ramirez from the Rangers would leave the Red Sox 40-man roster with no fewer than three Ramirezes.

Added Epstein, "We had a lot of shirts. Maybe the Yankees can afford to fill their roster with Grandersons, Teixeiras, and Sabathias, but we need to shop a bit smarter. When an opportunity comes along to use up old inventory, we need to take advantage of the market."

The Sox were reportedly interested in re-acquiring Hanley Ramirez from the Florida Marlins, but Epstein stated that the Max Ramirez move makes much more sense.

"Four seasons ago we traded Ramirez for Mike Lowell. To turn around now and trade Lowell back for Ramirez is simply not the type of move we want to make. We feel that would be confusing to the fans."

In fact the idea to jettison Lowell to the Rangers may be simply to reduce confusion amongst Sox fans.

"Our Class A team is called the Lowell Spinners. Fans from Lowell became geographically confused when Mike would play for us down in Boston. Many would call in to radio talk shows and question why Mike wore the Lowell name on the back of his uniform while Spinners players wear the name on the front. We felt it was time to simplify things," Epstein said.

In an unrelated move, according to Epstein, the Sox are reportedly talking to Alexei Ramirez of the White Sox, Aramis Ramirez of the Cubs, J.C. Ramirez of Seattle, and Wilkin Ramirez of Detroit.

Red Sox owner John Henry twittered the following in a series of 140-character tweets: "If we can corner the market on Ramirez, and use up all those old Manny shirts, we may only have to raise ticket prices slightly in order to field a non-competitive team. We just don't have the luxury of spending like the Yankees do."

The Red Sox passed on acquiring Edwar Ramirez from the Yankees when they found out his name was not Edward as they originally thought.

"Couldn't do that to the fans," explained Epstein. "For a guy to play in this league, missing consonants from his name is simply not in our best interest."

Todd Civin is a freelance writer for the Bleacher Report, Seamheads and Sports, Then and Now. In his free time he does sit down comedy stating that stand up is simply too tiring. He can be reached for hire or comment at

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