Saturday, December 12, 2009

Pat Patriot Arrested For Going "Long and Deep" Once Too Often (Satire)

In a story that sounds more reminiscent of something coming out of the Tiger Woods' scandal, New England Patriots mascot, Pat, has reportedly been arrested as part of a prostitution sting.

The Providence Journal reports that one of the 14 individuals who serves as the "Pat Patriot" mascot has been arrested by R.I. State Police in a prostitution sting.

Robert Sormanti, 47, of Warwick, R.I., is one of the people who wears the mascot costume for the New England Patriots. When contacted by the newspaper, the team released the following statement:

"The Patriot mascot costume is worn by multiple people, all are held responsible for their actions. The individual in question has been suspended."

The Patriots official added, "Our main concern is that none of the other individuals who play Pat want to get in the suit."

Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, has allegedly applied for Federal Stimulus money in hopes of getting the over-sized suit dry-cleaned.

Added Kraft, "Not since John Hannah arrived with the nickname "Hog" or Brady was photographed with the goat have we had such a sexual scandal here in New England."

The Vice president of Human Resources for the Patriots weighed in on Pat's arrest, "Pat does a great job arousing the crowd and apparently, he began taking the job home with him."

Coach Bill Belichick saw the scandal in a different light, "Our offensive line has had difficulty opening up holes and we may have found a solution for our running game."

Rumors have surfaced that the Patriots may change the name of the mascot from Pat to either Dick, Peter, Johnson, John, or Woody.

Patriots Vice-President Jonathan Kraft added, "This is a real blow to the organization. We are uncertain at this time whether Pat was actually wearing the costume at the time of his indiscretion. But since it is constructed without a fully functioning fly, we believe that only the large head may have been worn."

There had been talk of the Patriots putting up a statue of their famous mascot, but stories of Pat's erection were premature.

In the video footage seen below, Pat is apparently scouring the end-zone following a touchdown searching frantically for a madam.

Said Sormanti following his arrest, "I was only there to hang out. If I had only been satisfied with a 'Pat'."

Todd Civin is a freelance writer who writes for Bleacher Report , Sports, Then and Now , and Seamheads . Civin performs "sit-down comedy" in his free time stating that "stand-up is simply too tiring."

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